I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
