apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
What can i say, i'm an artist. I think deep thoughts. In between the homoerotica and pterodactyl noises
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Im shooting goldshlager and waxing my crotch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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