I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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