before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
