so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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