I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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