I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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