Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
