she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Truth be told it's significantly easier to get over someone when they file a police report on you
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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