You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
