Capitaan dildo arrescate!
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
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