I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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