no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
I swear the toilet was so cold I tried to stand up but my balls wer frozen to it. most awkward five minutes between me and my mom.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
