At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
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