Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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