Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
Random boy motorboated me, handed me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, winked and walked out with some other girl
Find him and marry him.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
Randomize
