very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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