Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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