Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Is there one of me peeing? If so do I look bangable in it
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
Randomize
