wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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