He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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