you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Randomize
