I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
