Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
Randomize
