i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Randomize
