just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Randomize