Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Randomize
