I seem to have left my pride at pride
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Randomize
