This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
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