i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
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