So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
Randomize
