I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
