o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
quadriplegic porn is always funny
no. no its not
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
So. Much. Porn.
Randomize
