Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
last thing I remember was someone walking in on me sitting in the bathtub listening and singing along to Britney spears "Till the world ends" on repeat.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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