Hey, kurt drew a penis on you and wrote my innotals. I had nothing to do a/ that.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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