We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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