I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
