maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
