Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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