There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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