We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Leave it to us to have a family reunion in a bar bathroom
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
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