Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
Plan B, arranged marriage to a rich Indian, is rapidly becoming Plan A. Fuck Finals.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
