to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
Also, we can't be seen together looking suspicious or sexually satisfied
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
