Betty ford says i'm here all night
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
