I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
why do cheetos always look like penises
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Randomize
