why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
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