She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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