My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
my extended weekend of being as irresponsible as possible started with blowing the bartender in the bar bathroom. off to a good start.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Randomize
