Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
You let someone poor beer into my mouth off of a balcony. Best friend test failed.
Haahahahahahhaaa
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
mcfuck me up
MCFUCK ME UP INSIDE
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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