My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I was wondering where I've seen this kid then I remembered I saw him doing lines of blow of his gf's leg while she was sleeping last week.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
Randomize
