I wish my penis had an off switch
So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
