Our friend ended up naked, bleeding, requesting we throw a couch at him cause he was convinced he could block it
We did he did.
When I say naked, I mean penis exposed. Not in boxers
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
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