Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
We need to feng shui this bitch.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
