so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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