Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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