I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
