Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
They peed on our pledges last night... i dont know if i should put an lol at the end of that or not
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Don't put me in that position. I am not qualified to be the responsible adult here.
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
