Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
