yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
My tuesday consisted of speaking to a federal agent for two hours and watching a roving band of gypsies jump over a fire until 2:30am
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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