do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
