omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
high people should be assigned attendants
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
