I've decided to bang my pen-pal.
You smell like stripper and shame
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
