He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
