Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I just put on underwear fresh outta the dryer and it's like tiny Angels are giving them warm supportive hugs all over
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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