Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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