I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?
Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
Randomize
