I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
